Why do I make myself vulnerable? I have given myself a voice. Given myself permission to own what’s happened to me. To take back control. I will never have the opportunity to face my accusers, never have the opportunity to ask them – Why?
I can only try to create in my thoughts, their motives and reasons. Am I angry, Yes! I am also disappointed. That the men that assaulted me, didn’t have the same respect for the uniform that we wore and the core values we swore to honor when we entered the military service.
I continue to be grateful for most individuals while I have embarked on this journey. Please don’t get me wrong, there have been those that question my motives in sharing, but I find that writing has been quite empowering for me.
Your likely curious, where I am in this moment. Well I have my good days and I have my bad days. Of course, I much prefer my good days, as I would hope anyone else would prefer.
What would be considered a good day? When I wake up from sleeping soundly in my bed all night.
The start of my bad days:
I know it sounds silly, but you have no idea the effects of how you feel after waking up at 3:00am next to your partner, overwhelmed in emotions and increased anxiety. The panic feeling of just wanting to be alone, pacing back and forth in your room and then finding comfort curled up on the couch.
I love my couch!
How calming my nerves become after I curl up with the hospital blanket I have tucked away in my closet in my moments of distress. The memories I have of isolation in my room at the Psychiatric ward in the VA hospital. The week I needed my reset button pushed, said the kind nurse that would greet me with my meds. I miss it sometimes. The closest I can get to that feeling is on my couch; snuggled up with my blanket. But I have since found my furry companion of comfort- Peanut. He licks my feet when I am in distress or searches for me to curl up at my feet so that I am not alone. But after a night up of unsound sleep, my patience and emotions are off the chart that next day.
So yes, would be easier to be angry all the time- of course. But its not in my nature. I want to be happy, I want to make a difference. I want to have a purpose in this life. So that’s why I keep fighting the emotional roller coaster, the bi-weekly counseling appointments, the monthly psychiatry appointments. I learn. I learn how to move forward, how to make sense of this entire ordeal, because I am not going to let it define who I am.
My next biggest challenge I am getting ready to learn is- How to trust!
