So fast forward to this moment in my life. The biggest question that I have struggled with: Where do I go now that I have come to realize that my life isn’t what I had imagined when I was in my younger years. I remember just looking at my husband the other day and starting to cry. Why you ask? Because there comes a time that I must reconcile my past and where my life is now. I didn’t ask for this journey, this was forced upon me by individuals that didn’t care about nothing but their own self-gratification. If it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else. How my life would have changed, had it not happened. I wouldn’t have run to 1st opportunity to leave the area, wouldn’t have met my daughter’s dad, wouldn’t have gotten married, had my kids, gotten a divorce~ the list goes on and on. I have had to reconcile this in the last 2 years! I love my kids, I love the man that has helped me pick up the pieces of this devastating time in my life.
For the first time over the last few months, I have finally started to create in my life some meaning to this experience that was forced upon me. My struggles to find help is going to make it easier for the next person to find help. How, you ask? Yes, I’m still a student at college, slowly working towards that bachelor’s degree I’ve been working on since 1998. So, what if I’m 42 years old and only half way to completion; age is but a number. But I still am missing something. I couldn’t put my finger on it, until one day I thought as I was reviewing all the different social media sites of the same women in my MST groups, supporting other sisters struggling with maneuvering through the system to get help. It was same answer, page after page, after page.
I struggle with making relationships because I have difficulty trusting people. It’s something I have come to accept, but not something that I have decided to live with the rest of my life. I genuinely try to build relationships with others when I’m comfortable. This is the point I am trying to make. I am trying to change and make something positive come out of this big piece of crap that I was handed without my permission.
So, I started my Project.
So many people have asked me, since I am in school: Is it for an assignment? Nope, not for school, for ME! For me to bring something positive to something negative. I’m taking the power back that was taken so easily from me. I want to help make the next warrior sister or brother find the help they need without the struggles that I had when I started the journey of healing. I can’t even begin to explain the emotions and feelings that I feel each time I get on the phone, or the computer, or respond to an email when a new organization has been offered to add to the project. I like to think that it will be a turning point for survivors and their providers. There are so many of us. When the annual numbers are released each year with new reports, and there is no slowing down to the madness of assaults in the military ranks. So, my way to help~ Lets bring all the resources of healing to one location. No promotions, no bias, no kick backs to who gets on the list. Survivors serving Survivors with their knowledge of who is helping others with the same challenges.
And thus, the MST Survivor Project was born.