Have you ever just thought and wondered~ What if this never happened?

Have you ever just thought and wondered: What If this never happened? What would I be like if I had never been assaulted? Where would my life be today? Would I have kids, would I be married? Would I be struggling like I do each day to motivate myself to get up, shower, take my meds and try to engage in the world as we know it without the daily thoughts of ending it all?
Then of course, I’ve asked myself what would I be like: what would I be passionate about today? Would I be as passionate about trying to make a difference in the world around me as I am now? What would it be? What would drive me, like I am being drawn now to shout at the roof tops, share on all the Facebook feeds, and social media platforms I can find, call the various organizations, to help other survivors of MST like myself find the resources so much easier than what I had when I needed help.
So, there you have it, the pendulum of “What if’s”. The stuck points my therapist so frequently reminds me of at each of my one-hour visits with her.
So, as I spend the last few hours working on the MST Survivor Project website, behind the computer screen imputing information for others; it dawned on me. Who would have thought of this crazy idea I had about building a data base of organizations so that others like me and their providers have resources at a click of a button.
So Today…. No More What If’s!
I’m going own this event in my life. I’m not going let it define who I am, I am going to let it define who I am going to become because of it: A Warrior that serves her fellow Sisters and Brothers… a beacon of hope for each and everyone of us, that we can rise above the pain, heartache and suffering that each of us have to endure.

5 thoughts on “Have you ever just thought and wondered~ What if this never happened?

  1. 👏👏👏👍👍👍 Bravo!!! A few years ago, after twenty some years of therapy, I also came to a similar conclusion in my life. That what happened to me made me stronger, more empathetic and gave me opportunities to serve others. Bravo for you and the path you are on. I salute you, Brave Strong Sister!!!

    Dawn Whitaker
    USAF MST Survivor

  2. Joining the military had always been my dream, as a child I watched my grandfather be the Grand Marshall in the parade, he had been in WW1. Following in his footsteps and going in the Navy, instead of the Army didn’t matter to me, I enjoyed my first duty station NAS Corpus Christi TX, Barracks Mngt; but I had the chance to to go on board ship in 1981. At this time only 9 ships allowed women to serve on board and I cancelled my shore duty for the chance-my life was never to be the same. I had made E-4 out of A School, advanced to MS2, but with the nightmare that happened to me, they tried to pull my stripes. I received a medical discharge, memories would be blocked for years, a marriage destroyed, I went back to college and finished my degree; it was final the same day as my divorce (married another sailor) didn’t get help till 2005 for MST and other issues, for 2 years while fighting for benefits lived in subsidized housing on $326 a month and food stamps. It took 22 years to get my benefits from VA.. looking back, I went through… I don’t have good support system. My mom was there for me, but she died sudden death years ago, I got addicted to prescription pain pills (VA) I was also injured in Navy. Now 100% IU 70+30+10=80% VA Math. I have been clean for 13 years and try to help others. Post graduate work in Community Development; I tried to solve my problems through others, now I know you can’t until you get help. I became a Christian and I attended Celebrate Recovery and still do. Would I change my life? Too late, I only have now and I am a lot more careful with what I say and do!!! Plus I have 2 son’s and 3 granddaughters, nope! The dog sometimes when she pees and I step in it. But, I will take this journey and let God lead and pray before I make a Big decision!!!

  3. Wow. Thank you for writing this because you’re writing those very sane thoughts in my head. I want to share my story so I can be a beacon of light for other survivors. Beautiful. Thank you for creating this MST Project. 💝

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