I have struggled these last excruciating months to find the strength to put to words my latest trigger. Why have I had such a difficult time on this particular trigger: Because it shows up in my dreams, in replay motion over, and over, and over again. It doesn’t stop, it doesn’t change and it is what I think can really cause someone to pull them into insanity. In my dreams, there are two of me: one witnessing what is happening and the other me in replay of each action, each step, each tear, each drop of water, each painful scrubbing motion with my pumice stone on my skin till it is too painful to scrub away the hurt I felt. What’s worse is when I manage to wake up, my skin and body feel just as raw as it did when it first happened.
I have become so overly consumed by emotions, that it has been difficult for me to find the strength to get out of bed and face the days challenges. I have shit to do each day, and I don’t have time for this type of disruption. Between school, husband, and kids, it leaves me little time to focus on what I know is a more pressing state, ME.
I have been the queen of avoidance for 25 years. I deserve a medal. I finished this semester of school strong (that was a positive). I have kept the celebration of graduating going, painted my house and gone to the beach a few times. It has been exhausting but probably could have waited at least till I addressed the elephant in my head, but it’s certainly coming to bite me in the ass now. Why you ask? Because, people notice….and I notice.
When I avoid the difficult; I make myself physically ill, I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats, vomiting or dry heaving. My heart is racing and the uncontrollable dread of what I am getting ready to embark on, and not to mention I am alone. I am more fortunate then most, I have a husband that’s pretty incredible and understanding, but yet I still feel alone. He couldn’t possibly imagine what goes on in my brain, and those that I do know, also have the same similar demons. I fear sharing with them because I don’t know where they are at.
That’s one thing the military is really good at drilling into you, “Suck it up and keep going” and “There is no time for distractions…Focus on the Mission.”
So, I am going to breathe today. Postpone my trip to the beach. And address the “Daunting Aftermath” of that fateful night. That’s my Mission today.
Will it help? I Hope. Will it be hard? Likely. Will I survive it? Definitely… I have made it this Far.
