I’ve been known to come up with some real crazy ideas, and this is probably one that likely takes the cake. Yet I never really understood why I can become so hyper focused on things to the point that others looking into my world may not understand. Yet as I continue to embark on this journey of healing, I find frequently that I am not alone. However, many I have had the privilege to talk to, could they possibly consider taking 6 weeks out of their life to embark on what will likely be a 7,500-mile road trip, cross country so they con figure things out. Yeah I know, I’m crazy.
Some might call it mindfulness, a reset button, a journey of self- reflection, or a” what the “fuck” should I do now, I think I need a sign moment.” I would say, it all wrapped into one, packed up in the back of my car, with my adult teenager and my dog. Well at least I spent 10 months planning and prepping for this adventure. God know what it would look like had I just packed up my stuff an left the moment I decided to do this. A total disaster, with chaos right behind me. Now that I think about it, sounds like many of my pretty crazy ideas that went unthought out over the last 25 years.
After 3 years of serious therapy on what I finally figured was my inner demon eating away at my core, I decided I needed a drastic “something.” I know there’s no quick fix to the occasional reminders of that fateful night; the little similarities of rooms or showers I come across that resemble my room at Snyder Hall.
Why, because I feel like I barely able to touch the bottom of the ocean of all this “shit” but when the high tide comes in, I’m unsure of what stroke I should do next to keep afloat. I’ve been bombarded by these tools in my tool- box, and not sure which ones I should keep as important, when to use them and which ones I really just can say, “Thanks but no thanks.” I think a lot of the time I feel those around me are always watching me super close, in case I have a meltdown or in the case I need to go back to the VA hospital. It makes me feel like their waiting for my failure, when I am trying to climb for my successes. I know they are only worried. They should be. Historically; in the beginning, I have easily just wanted to give up. I try to tell them that I don’t want to give up anymore, but I feel like I need to gain a solidifying power so that they will finally hear me.
The big question again, “Why such a big trip?” Here’s why. I’ve spent my life running away! I have never been back to San Diego, California, since I left in 1995, since my assault in 1994. I can tell you that my anxiety is slightly elevated. I’ve had to practice some of my tools in my toolbox, alone without help, and without having someone hovering over me.
Have I felt a bit guilty? Yes! Why? Because I have never given myself the permission to enjoy some of the stops in my life like I have with this trip: floating in the rivers, the oceans, listening to the rain hit my tent or relaxing in my hammock; like I have in these last 5 days. To think, I still have 5 more weeks to go.
It is amazing the things you have time to think about when your alone in your thoughts, in the right frame of mind and prepared. I have spent 10 months preparing for my quiet time, practicing of tools in my tools box, my reflection of moving forward to a healthier me and putting an end to the 25 years of running away.
