Why the Silence

Over the last few weeks; I’ve been struggling to put to words my thoughts and feelings of this recent Journey cross country, in an effort of facing the demons from my past. I have been aimlessly wandering from project to project, lunch date to activity trying to forget about my feelings of loss and lack of clarity that lies ahead of me. Even the simple video post or written statement on my Social Media links are difficult to formulate. I’ve tried just about everything I could to try to put me in better spirits, other then face my truth and attempt to articulate the mass confusion that is buried within me. Its always been so easy for me to reach out to my therapist, yet she is either booked or out for a seminar. I certainly don’t feel like I am at the point I need to call the Crisis line, because they make you explain the whole story, the how and the why and even I’m having difficulty with that. I’ve tossed and turned in bed, back to wrapping myself up in my hospital blanket for days now. Yet I’m still at a loss, until I woke up this morning after a night of little to no sleep.
Finally, something that makes a bit more sense to me then it made the last three weeks. I’m lost. I feel like I’ve lost my direction. I have spent so much time running away from something that now what I’ve done is a Fast and Furious 180 degree spin. I’m not running away, I am in cruise mode on my bike, with the cool breeze blowing through my hair. The only problem is, I’ve lost my direction, my purpose, my inner motivator. I’m not going to lie; I would love if someone would just tell me what to do. That’s part of the appeal of serving in the military. It removes the thought process from making decisions. Unfortunately, that’s not a realistic option and I need to be more practical. My husband suggested, I run towards him. Well that’s not realistic either because we are already married. I have to be happy with myself so that I can enjoy the fruits of an incredible relationship.
So now that I am deducing the challenges and possible solutions to my problem, I finally came up with something to resolve the silence. I have so many tools in my toolbox, I just don’t know which one to use. How utterly frustrating that is. I am the most unorganized (mentally) person I know. Yet, I’m not. There are so many others, just like me. A loss for words, unsure of what to do next or feeling lost and alone.
Here is my solution for the end of my silence. I only realized it when I opened my Social Media account, saw Justin C. invite and realized it’s been there all along. There are so many out there! My Purpose: This is and the MST Survivor Project. To put to words with what so many of us struggle with every day. To seek out those that have found the drive to serve others who aren’t quite that strong yet. Because by serving, we heal, we connect, we build a better sense of self.
Its funny, my answer has been in front of me this entire time. Yet it took time and careful contemplation for myself to realize that I had my purpose already. To be me, be vulnerable to share, and persevere through the daily challenges of this life with just a dash more organization.

3 thoughts on “Why the Silence

  1. You are most certainly not alone.

    I find myself struggling daily to keep on a path of survival.

    The grief and blame at times is so overwhelming that I often want to hide and just not face the world. I don’t interact the way I used to- in a way that allowed me to shine my light- be present. Feel worth.

    Our light in the darkness can be reaching out to other victors. (Not survivors. Victors- because we keep trying)

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